Since I'm beginning to deal with the inevitable questions regarding my impending departure and my feelings about it, I thought on this day I'd share some random thoughts on the topic.
If I'm honest, right now my emotions are zig-zagging all over the place. I keep imagining myself in the States, seeing something on the news about Palestine and being stricken by being so far away. I can't imagine NOT being here, not being able to be with the Palestinians, watching on the news as my American government tears this country apart. But, like 10% of me is excited to see people, to be with family and friends. But when I picture those joyous moments, when I see my family and when I see my dear friends, I feel like those moments will inevitably be touched with sadness and grief from this time in Palestine that will then be lost to me. Lost forever? I have no idea, which scares me even more. I feel like I've taken one giant step away from the communities I have in the States, and I don't know if I'm going to be able to/want to bridge that gap when I return.
When I'm not focused on my work and I allow my mind to wander, I catch myself beginning to get worked up, with tears threatening to spill over onto my cheeks. A life in America, a life characterized by isolation, independence, and privacy; I don't want that life. I don't want to be a part of it, and I don't want to get stuck in it. This at least I feel sure of now.
Of course, these feelings could feel a little more intense given the fact that, well, leaving is hard. Who knows. Xallina Minshuuf. We will see.
P.S. Israel is, again, freaking out about Iran's growing nuclear capabilities and seems to be planning an attack on the country very soon. But why does no one question the fact that Israel has, illegally, had its own nuclear weapons for years? Just a thought.
P.S. Israel is, again, freaking out about Iran's growing nuclear capabilities and seems to be planning an attack on the country very soon. But why does no one question the fact that Israel has, illegally, had its own nuclear weapons for years? Just a thought.
Thanks for sharing, Wendy. Good to process over an extended period your upcoming difficult transition. Your P.S. is a helpful reminder for us to pray regarding the nuclear situation in the M.E. Your question is helpful re Israel's (and the U.S.'s) ongoing nuclear policy.
ReplyDeleteIt's been so good to see your enthusiasm for Palestine and your joy in the culture there. Listen to that. I don't know what it's saying exactly and I don't know that you will know either for at least a little while. Whether you go back to Palestine or not, or go to another country altogether, being back at Wheaton and in the states is a necessary step in figuring that out. Thank God for this next semester to debrief and process your experience with the other HNGR interns and discern next steps. Be patient in the processing and enjoy the next five weeks!
ReplyDeleteI feel ya. It will be hard but it will be good to process things. I will be praying for you during this transition!! -E
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